It warms the cockles of my heart to know that in this great country of ours any little boy can grow up to be a president who can't keep his line item veto in his pants.
When the news broke that President Bill Clinton had been accused of having "an improper sexual relationship" with a 21-year old White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, and that he supposedly asked her to lie to cover up the affair, I didn't quite know what to think. So, as I usually do in times of quandary, I let the little voices in my head fight it out.
The voting Republican in me did a little dance and said, "Aha, we've got him now! Slick Willy is going down! Somebody get Ronald Reagan on the phone!"
The pragmatist in me (he's the serious looking one with no friends) said, "Now hold on a minute, you guys. Let's not pass judgement until we have all the facts. Don't forget what we did to Michael Jackson and poor Tonya Harding!"
The Aaron Spelling in me said, "What an evil vixen this Monica Lewinsky must be! She probably concocted the whole ugly story because President Clinton, being the champion of morality that he is, spurned her sleazy attempts at seduction. What a feather in her Gucci cap that would have been, seducing the President of the United States! I'm surprised she didn't try to sing at his birthday party!"
And that little part of me which is a member in good standing of the "I'm A Guy So Sue Me Club" said, "Why, Bill Clinton, you old son of a gun..."
What I find surprising about these allegations is that the focus is not on whether there was an improper sexual relationship, but on whether Billy Boy told Miss Monica to lie about it if questioned. Telling her to lie under oath could lead to charges of obstruction of justice and perjury, offenses punishable by fines, imprisonment, and forced exposure to Janet Reno's Panama City vacation video.
In other words, it's okay to have sex with someone other than your spouse, just don't lie about it if an independent counsel happens to stop by with a six pack of beer and a briefcase full of subpoenas.
A recent network news poll showed that 58% of women surveyed felt that, even if the sexual allegations against Clinton are true, it has no bearing on his ability to run this country. The respondents called Clinton's behavior, "typically male," which means: he's a man, that's what they do. I'm personally insulted by such generalizations because I know the typical male couldn't get himself embroiled in a sex scandal with a 21-year old woman if he tried! Uh, so I hear.
Having lost all faith in the network news polls, I contacted my old friend and mentor, Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor Emiritis at the South Hampton Institute of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department, and asked him to conduct a little survey of his own. (You may remember Dr. Jing as the inventor of the much-maligned, sponge toilet seat in the late seventies.) Always willing to do his part for science and an old drinking buddy, Dr. Jing surveyed 12 coeds who attend his freshman Apolitical Ethics class, 4 lunchroom ladies he found unloading a dog food truck out back of the cafeteria, and 3 female colleagues who were smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes and drinking International Coffee in the teacher's lounge. Dr. Jing asked these women a series of carefully-researched questions concerning the allegations against the President. Of the women surveyed:
89% believe Clinton is guilty of sexual misconduct, but if he promises to never play the saxophone again, they will forgive him.
53% found Bill Clinton sexually appealing in a "used car salesman sort of way."
71% think the only woman in Washington Clinton isn't sleeping with is his wife.
And 99% said that if Bill Clinton did have sex with a woman other than his wife and did ask her to lie to cover his behind, his behavior is not surprising because it was... typically male. Damn.
As a man who has painted himself into more corners than Wile E. Coyote, here's my advice for Bill Clinton: Interrupt the last episode of Seinfeld with a live, televised press conference, then step up to the microphone and say: "Okay, America, you got me. I admit it. I had sex with Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky and I asked them both to lie about it. And I tried to have sex with Paula Jones, but her nose kept getting in the way! So now that you know the truth, America, I say to you, 'So what?' You want to impeach me? You want me to step down? Well, before you do, let me say just two words: Al Gore."
"Mr. President! Mr. President! Sam Donaldson, ABC News!"
"Hold your water, Sam. I'm not answering any questions tonight. I'm already late for quarter beer and wings night at Hooter's and after that I'm being made an honorary member of the Kennedy family. So good night, all, and God bless America."
Perhaps Secretary of Defense William Cohen put it up best when he told Larry King: "I would have to say he (Clinton) is one of the smartest people I've ever met. His grasp of complex situations is incredible. He stays on top of everything. I like a hands-on president."
Don't we all, Mr. Cohen. Don't we all.
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